🔗 Share this article

For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has influenced both my private and professional life. It annoys my loved ones and workmates, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only increases my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to public speaking or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay focused and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the frequent sorrys. I’ve learned that professional help might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an try to avoid shame or exposure, by admitting perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and anxiety.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This process will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.